


Status: Alone

by ProfessorAerii



Category: The Murderbot Diaries - Martha Wells
Genre: Book 5: Network Effect, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29993478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessorAerii/pseuds/ProfessorAerii
Summary: "I am reviewing your files," Three began, then hesitated for 0.3 seconds. It continued, "I am not finished, but my status is … distracting me from proper analysis."I had a sinking feeling. I asked anyway, "Your status?""I am alone."----Two rogue constructs discuss grief. Missing Scene in Chapter 20 of Network Effect.
Relationships: Asshole Research Transport & Murderbot (Murderbot Diaries), Murderbot & SecUnit 3 (Murderbot Diaries)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52





	Status: Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the context you will need for this fic is based on a headcanon I have: The entirety of Network Effect is what 2.0, and later Murderbot, shared with Three. That’s why Three is aware that Miki exists as Murderbot does mention Miki at least twice throughout the book. ^_^

A couple of cycles had gone by since Three and I talked. We were still waiting in the system to see whether ART's university got here first, or if it would be a Barish-Estranza responder. 

The wait had started off stressful, but now it was the dull sort of stress, like waiting in standby for the next contract. Unlike waiting for a contract, I had my media and I had ART, who was watching it with me. We were rewatching _World Hoppers_ , since we had finished _Time Stream Defenders Orion_. I guess what I'm saying is that this was better than being on standby without ART, left alone without my media. 

I had given Three more of my memory files after our conversation like I said I would, and I guess it was still processing them. ART had mentioned it may have further questions, which I wasn't looking forward to if I was honest with myself. 

Dealing with my own feelings was enough of a hassle. Even if Three had kind of (definitely) saved me, I didn't think I could handle its emotions too. 

In any case, ART's not so subtle hinting was why I wasn't surprised when Three came to find me during the rest period. (Well, that and the fact that I had seen it approaching through ART’s cameras and my drones.)

I was in the Argument Lounge because the chairs were comfortable and I hadn't felt the urge to stay near Amena to make sure she was safe since I'd been repaired. Mostly. Okay, I still kind of felt that urge since she was Mensah's small human, and the easiest way to know she was safe was to stay near her. 

But apparently she picked up on the fact that Three had talked to me when the humans were asleep, or were supposed to be asleep, and wanted me to give Three the space to talk with me if it wanted. I suspect ART and Amena had talked about this without me, but I wasn't going to call them out on it. (This time, at least.) 

In any case, that's why I was in the lounge and not my bunk when Three walked in. 

ART and I weren't too far into our viewing of _World Hoppers_. (We hadn't gotten to the first major character death that ART was still anxious about, despite it saying otherwise and the fact that it knew the character came back.) I wanted to turn my attention back to _World Hoppers_ until Three worked up to whatever it wanted to ask me this time, but ART had already paused it. I made sure it knew how I felt about that over our private feed, but it ignored me, though I could feel its amusement. 

One of the humans had managed to talk Three into sitting down earlier, and I think it was trying to "act casual" when it sat down a few chairs over from me. It reminded me of a gag in some comedy serials where the cast is supposed to act casual but ends up doing the opposite. Three's posture was stiff, even for a SecUnit, and it didn't seem quite sure how to get comfortable in its seat. 

We sat in silence for several seconds. Oh great, was I going to have to start the conversation? ART was obviously paying attention, but I was pretty sure Three was scared of ART. Despite how much of an asshole ART could be, I thought ART didn't want to frighten Three right now. 

To be fair, ART can be scary. I don't dislike ART but I remember how it introduced itself to me and how our early interactions went. I understood Three's fear, which thankfully seemed to be decreasing somewhat as ART continued to not hurt it.

It had probably also helped that my humans had confused Three with questions like what it wanted, or how it was feeling, questions that I didn’t even know the answers to. My humans are weird like that.

I was debating what to say (I could just say "What," again, but Three seemed… upset somehow. I didn't want to upset it more), when Three thankfully seemed to figure out what to say. "I am reviewing your files," Three began, then hesitated for 0.3 seconds. It continued, "I am not finished, but my status is … distracting me from proper analysis."

I had a sinking feeling. I asked anyway, "Your status?"

"I am alone."

It took me a moment. "The other BE SecUnits." 2.0 had mentioned how Three had seemed to like the other Units. I had never been close with other SecUnits before, but maybe it was different for Units that were owned by companies that didn't rent them out. 

"Yes," Three said, with a very slight nod. "I am accustomed to SecUnit 1 and SecUnit 2's feed presence. Their absence is distracting … and uncomfortable."

My performance reliability dropped by 1.5%. This _was_ going to be about emotions (ugh). I weighed my options. I could just not reply, but that seemed like an asshole move right now, and Three still seemed tense. Maybe I could tell Three to talk to Ratthi, or Amena, or someone else who wasn’t me about it? But I was the resident expert rogue SecUnit, so it had sought me out, not one of my or ART’s humans. There was also a chance that something in my files had sparked this conversation. I sighed, and braced myself.

“Uncomfortable how?”

There was a four second pause. That didn’t bode well. ART had shifted more of its attention to our conversation at this point; I could feel it in the feed. I think it was going to say something when Three spoke up.

“It appears similar to how you brought up the bot designated as ‘Miki ' a few times in your files,” Three said, somehow more stiff than before.

My performance reliability tanked by a full 5%. That explained some of Three’s tension. I hadn’t given it files related to Milu but Miki had come up in my memories when 2.0 died. I now had a majority of ART’s attention. My conversation with Three had held most of its attention before, but now it was focused on me specifically. That focus had become more comfortable over the past few cycles, but this time it felt like too much. I briefly remembered how Arada could pick up on shifts in Overse’s mood faster than other humans and inwardly flinched at the comparison to how ART was now doing the feed equivalent of looking at me with concern. 

Right. I had never told ART about Miki. I hadn’t told my humans the full details about Miki either, even if they had seen GoodnightLander Independent’s reports about Milu. Thinking about Miki usually made me uncomfortable and often caused performance reliability drops. 

_Who’s Miki?_ ART asked over our private feed connection. It almost sounded hesitant to ask, which worried me. 

I really couldn’t handle putting it into words. I didn’t know _how_ to put it to words. I tried really hard not to think too hard about it as I grabbed some of my memory files from Milu and sent them to ART instead of replying. (They might not have been as edited as they should have been, but again, I didn’t want to think about it.)

I had been quiet for more than 5 seconds at this point. Three must have realized that this wasn’t exactly a comfortable conversation topic for me. It didn’t point out the pause before adding, “How you felt about Miki is comparable to how I feel about SecUnit 1, SecUnit 2, and 2.0.”

“2.0?” I echoed, because that was easier than coming up with any sort of intelligent response right now.

“On the Barish-Estranza Explorer, I was in stand down mode for several cycles,” Three said, and then paused for 1.3 seconds. “SecUnit 2 was gone and SecUnit 1 was destroyed. The feed was empty until 2.0 contacted me. 2.0 was the first indication the situation could change. It gave me your files, the way to free myself, and helped me save our clients. 2.0 is the reason I did not end up destroyed and the reason why I am here. And now… it’s gone too.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so we just sat there in silence for half a minute. I could tell that ART was processing the files I had sent it. Three hadn’t relaxed exactly, though a small amount of tension had left its shoulders. I guess it had said what it wanted to say and now I had to say something. Except, the only things coming to mind hurt to think about, let alone say out loud. That’s when ART decided to chime in finally.

 _Three is grieving_ , ART told me in our feed. Normally, ART doesn’t bother to be gentle with anyone except adolescent humans. It felt like it was being careful with me now, and I wasn’t sure I liked it. It wasn’t bad, but it was weird. There was a 0.7 second pause before it added, hesitantly, _You are also grieving, I think. That’s why your feelings were familiar to Three._

Oh.

I hadn’t thought about Miki in that context. I had tried to not think of Miki in really any context, really. Miki … died. Miki had died protecting its humans, protecting Don Abene, and maybe protecting me too. Miki had wanted to be my friend, and now that would never happen. Thinking about Miki, about what had happened, about what now could _never_ happen, hurt. It felt like there was a hole in my chest, but without the physical sensation, combined with a sort of numbness, and something like the dread of what might happen to my humans if I failed to protect them. 

I didn’t like it, so I hadn’t thought about it until I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Maybe that’s why it took Three multiple cycles to come to me about this. For Three , thinking about the other BE SecUnits and 2.0 must have also hurt.

Grief was a topic that did come up in my media now and then, but it was either just the subject of a given episode and dropped by the next, or a show seemed to spend forever on it, a character unable to move forward until something changed. What I saw in my media didn’t seem like the weight that I was carrying now, the weight that I had been carrying even if I didn’t want to acknowledge its existence. 

I had spent a lot of time thinking about Miki on the trip back to HaveRatton from Milu. But then Mensah was kidnapped, and between rescuing her, Pin-Lee, Gurathin, and Ratthi from TranRollinHyfa and my memory crash afterward, I had too many other things to think about for a long time. After I arrived at Preservation, there were even more things to deal with and I had managed to keep myself distracted, mostly. The few times I couldn’t distract myself, it was like a weight had settled in my chest. The weight was definitely there now and I was starting to suspect it might never go away.

ART was definitely watching me with concern now. I had been quiet for over a minute. Through my drone cams, I saw Three fidget slightly. It wouldn’t have been a large motion for a human, just a small shifting of its shoulders, but for a SecUnit, especially one only recently freed from its governor module? It was kind of a lot of movement.

I had to say something. I really regretted not telling it to talk to one of the humans about this. How could I help Three with this if I had no idea how to handle it myself?

“It hurts,” I started and winced at the phrasing. I tried again. “Miki wasn’t my friend, but it wanted to be. It hurts to remember why that can never happen now. It hurt a lot shortly after… “ My throat felt like it closed up despite there being no logical reason for that to happen. ART started playing the theme for _Sanctuary Moon_ through the feed. I guess my distress was a lot more noticeable than I had hoped.

Three was quiet, but nodded slowly. I wanted to restart the _World Hoppers_ episode that was still sitting in my feed, paused and waiting. ART probably wouldn’t let me start it anyway, as it clearly thought this was something I needed to talk about, though the music did help me ease back into my seat. 

“Does it stop hurting?” Three said.

“It usually hurts less now, compared to how it did back when it happened,” I said. “But sometimes, it will hurt just as much, or maybe more. I remembered Miki when 2.0 sacrificed itself and...” I paused and stared at the wall. “That hurt a lot. My media seems to think that time helps. I don’t know if enough time has passed for me yet.”

We sat in silence for a full minute. The theme song for _Sanctuary Moon_ ended, and ART started the theme song for _World Hoppers_. Three must have been processing what I had said. ART was just in my feed; its looming presence comforting. It mercifully wasn’t saying anything at the moment, but I didn’t know if it would bring up Miki and my feelings at a later point with no warning. 

_Don’t tell my humans about Miki_ , I tried to go for something like our usual banter but it just sounded tired. _Please._

 _Okay_ , ART said. I got the impression that ART wanted to say more, but it was continuing to be gentle with me. That still felt weird. Like the times when Ratthi helped convince the other humans to respect my privacy weird.

“Is there anything other than time that can help?” Three asked eventually.

I didn’t know. I felt my face do something but I didn’t bother to check the cameras to see what. “I don’t know.” I said out loud. I hesitated before remembering what the humans did in situations like this in the media. “I’m sorry… for… you know.”

“Thank you for that information.” Three seemed distracted and I wasn’t sure if that was its buffer or not. It had relaxed more into its chair though so I guess that was a good thing.

We fell into silence again, but this time it felt more comfortable. I waited a bit to see if Three had anything else to say. When it didn’t speak up, I tried to restart _World Hoppers_. ART immediately paused it again.

 _Ask Three if there’s anything you can do to help._ ART was still being weirdly gentle but some of its asshole tone was coming back. That would have been a relief, if not for what it had just told me to do.

 _What the fuck, no._ I turned to stare into one of ART’s cameras. _Why would I do that?_

 _Three looks up to you. That’s why it came to you rather than one of the humans._ ART replied. It wasn’t going to let this go, was it? Also, Three looks up to me? What?

 _Three has a horrible choice in role models_ , I said back. ART just waited. I sighed. _Fine. You’re really living up to your name right now, you know that?_

 _So I’ve been told._ ART sounded smug. Asshole.

“Is there...” This was hard to say, but fuck it, I already had Three’s attention. “Is there something I can do to help?”

Three thought about it for a moment. “My feed is still mostly quiet.” It looked at me but thankfully just in my general direction, rather than trying to make eye contact. “The humans and _Perihelion_ are there but…” I waited, but I guess Three didn’t know how to finish that sentence. 

I remembered how this conversation started; Three had admitted it felt lonely. Back on the planet, before I encountered 2.0 and when I thought I had been abandoned, it had felt pretty fucking lonely and depressing. Even in the media that did decide to talk about grief, being alone only seemed to make the characters more upset. I didn’t know if grief worked the same way for constructs as it did humans and augmented humans. But Three was used to being in contact with other Units through the feed and SecSystem. I didn’t know what that was like, but I guess “alone” was an accurate description for how it felt without their presence.

“But it’s not the same as contact with another Unit?” I hazarded a guess. Three nodded, shoulders drooping slightly.

I sighed and leaned back into my chair. Three was definitely still working on how to ask for things, but I did know what it wanted now. I offered it a private feed connection. It accepted and I felt its relief bleed through the instant it connected. I was a bit taken aback at how open its emotion was, but managed to keep my reaction out of the feed. 

We just sat there. Neither of us said anything through the connection, but Three seemed content with that. Three settled back into its chair, mirroring my earlier movements. However, it seemed like most of the tension Three had walked into the lounge with had finally eased. 

I was still very aware of ART looming in my feed, and I knew it had to be aware of the connection between myself and Three, but ART was staying out of it for now. It struck me how, when I was with ART, I really wasn’t alone. ART did give me space, sometimes, when it felt like it, but it was always just a ping away. I don’t know how I would deal with that suddenly no longer being an option. I guess Three didn’t know either. I might not be SecUnit 1, SecUnit 2, or 2.0 (even if 2.0 was a version of me), but maybe it just helped Three to know someone was there.

After about a minute, I turned my attention back to _World Hoppers_. This time, when I started playing the episode again, ART didn’t stop me. I left the feed connection open, still not saying anything, but let a little bit of how I felt through, mostly the contentment and safety I felt while watching my media with ART. 

Through the connection, I could tell Three had begun to do something. It was probably continuing its review of my files, now with added context. ART and I finished the episode we had started before Three had entered the room. I was about to start the next one when I got a message from Three. I could feel its sincerity.

_Thank you._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading and special thanks to [lick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lick/pseuds/lick) for beta reading!  
>   
> Out of all my WIPs, I did not expect this idea that just gripped me at 2am last night to be the one I finished first but here we are. MB’s thoughts on grief depictions in media are heavily based on my own experiences with grief and how I didn’t really get it until I had experienced it myself (and kind of still think that a lot of media depictions don’t really do the whole “it stays with you” justice).  
>   
> This is my first published fic so please be gentle with me, but I hope you enjoyed it!


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